Having rolled out of the house with a cup of tea and a banana inside me I got to Wickes and started getting a massive hunger. There was the little trailer style greasy spoon in the car park but not enticing as the man frying everything looks like his last shower was a few days ago.

Around the corner is a Mucky D’s. I don’t do McDicks. We all know that they are the poster child of the obesity epidemic we face. Evil in a bun, an ill Morgan Spurlock in Supersize Me are the images in my head.

Hunger makes you start to rationalise things in a whole different way. The bush tucker challenges would be a doddle if you’d  starved Nadine Dorries for the preceding week and I’d tune in to watch that. But back to Fat Ron’s: I rationalised that their position in the spotlight means they have to be lily-white about any and all claims. Hell, they must test and retest and then test again to ensure there is no way anyone can come at them. So I pulled into the car park searching for the Drive-Thru lane and there isn’t one. Oh Gawd, I’ve committed so now I’ll have to go inside, so I do. Despite it being the outskirts of Oxford I felt like I stepped into a surreal movie set with the chippies darting in and out to test the systems by ordering capuccino. I perused the menu, the backlit board behind the tills and Johnny No Stars pesters me for an order whilst I am so clearly still reading. Why do they do this? Do most customers have it committed to memory or can’t they read to start with?

Ooooh looky, a Breakfast Burrito for £2.49. You’re hungry Shadders, don’t dwell on how they can get a burrito and fill it with a sausage pattie, bacon, egg AND a hash brown with my choice of ketchup or brown sauce all for £2.49 You’ll love it, it’ll hit the spot. Unfortunately I happen to know too much about food sourcing, animal welfare and labelling regulations.  I stamp out the thoughts about powered egg, tracing paper thin bacon and pig welfare ‘cos it looks gooood. Damn does it look good on that big shiny menu, so I order one. “5 mins sir, they’re making it to order”. Oh yum, even better if it’s freshly cooked. I pay my money and in about 3 minutes I get passed a bag. Straight out to the car and unwrap it and it looks just like the picture. I’m salivating like Pavlov’s dog now so I take a huge bite.

Hmmmm – what I have is something that tastes of stuff and ketchup. I try to be unbiased in my criticism and attempt to differentiate the tastes. Trouble is I can’t. It’s warm stuff in a wrap with ketchup. I fell for it again.